As the Apocalypse Approaches
by Douglas Gilbert
In this emergency, it is vital that teacher salaries be raised to $10,000,000 per year. Resistance is futile. However, of course, all teachers not working full time in-person, five days a week right now, should be fired. Also, any teacher should be allowed to quit during the grace period before the great purge when special conditions apply.
Whereas, there should be total equity of outcome, every student must achieve a score of 80% correct answers on standardized tests in Math and English. Any teacher whose class does not reach this standard, shall be executed upon certification of any scores below the standard (No child may be excluded or expelled for any reason). The federal death penalty will apply.
We must reverse George Bernard Shaw’s saying, “He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches.” A successful risk taker will not teach for less that $10,000,000 and many do know Mathematics; many successful authors know English. They will be free to use a portion of their salaries to help their students’ families. Yes, it is rocket science.
As I often say, the satirist has a better nose for truth than the seller of sagacity. And, of course, as you no doubt know, and have often heard: “Non erit satura est scriptor nasus quando emptore magis est vera sapientia, quam venditor.“, that is, “There will be a satire’s nose when the buyer is true wisdom rather than the seller.”
As the Apocalypse approaches, everyone must pay the piper or the Children’s Crusade to the North Pole will begin. If the children leave for the Holy North Pole, the teachers will die. But do not worry: consult the Book of Revelations, and Psalm 91.
Thus a child has written:
The Four Nuppets of the Apocalypse
Behold, the feathers of truth descend:
the four Nuppets of the Apocalypse
have arrived as foretold and
Huge Bird walks among us, but
know ye the schools are defiled,
the files are closed in haste. Leave
as the leaves have fallen.
Leave ye from the branches
though the ground is noisome
and you fear the reign of feathers
Leave from pestilence
to join our march
I say to you in earnest:
Give your leave
to walk with me
to our secret place
Do not be afraid;
Huge Bird can see
‘the snares of the fowler’*
Let us gather in common cause:
I pray you follow me here to
sing with me for wanderlust but
should you not be present here,
be at the Ward Hunt Island retreat
I’m thirteen but so what: God has
given me the powers of prophesy, and
I will lead you to the Jerusalemma
at the North Pole throne fortress
Do not be afraid; we have
Mr. Smith our science teacher,
a captive for our just cause.
We have lured that devil away with
the best black market vaccine, and
we agree to release his mistress
and say yea verily to the sky,
she shall sin no more though
she is stoned on pot and high
Mr. Smith is now in a cage
and we can engage him double
along the way to Jerusalemma.
Glaciers are melting, he informs us
ergo, we apprehend it will be warm.
But hey kids, God will strike him down
if he fails to well teach us the way.
But the signs will be clear —
and when we are near the North pole, dears
a polar bear will growl with hunger
but even deer shall have no fear, for we will
summon Mr. Smith to leave his cage and he,
not faithful enough to trample a dragon,
will bear witness to sacrifice and suffer for us
as the science says bears will eat.
The bear will be most grateful and
share seven seals from his snacks.
These seals will become many and
we will not be hungry.
Come ye all to Ward Hunt Island
but fear not expanse of ice or snow,
for carbon’s ghost will warm us
I tell you now my vision:
with ash and fire from the sky,
the ice will turn into stone, and
we shall walk to the North Pole.
Join our crusade, and
bring a teacher in a cage.
Let us pray
for the promised land
of milk and windmills