Nothing

This loneliness
is my agony

I always meant
to touch you kindly

to bring to you
what I knew about
soothing the aimless, and
drinking from the well
to be well
to be quenched, but

I have no experience
of wisdom to share, because
I have been wandering
in a place without you
where I am discouraged
and I don’t think anyone else
will ever love me as if they knew that
loneliness is agony.

5 thoughts on “Nothing

  1. I like your poem, i can relate to it because it’s hard being lonely. And I haven’t even been trying to date or be with anyone so it looks like I’ll just continue to be alone. I’ve just been kinda down and it makes me kinda withdrawn and quiet. I feel like all I do is go to work and come home and be emotionally exhausted from it. Sigh…

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    1.     I feel better when I hear from you. Thanks. I suppose reality is not always a good thing. One can even do pro forma dating where there is conversation almost like a mutual exchange of mini-speeches, but no emotional attachments or an empathy (maybe a sympathy).
          I used to think that psychology was a science that had useful pieces of wisdom, or knew something useful and practical. It seems like it gives names and labels for problems, identifies harmful behaviors with appropriate jargon, but offers no solutions for change. It brings more awareness of painful things. It reminds me of that old vaudeville Joke: Patient: “Doc, it hurts when I do that” [visual gesture] || Doc: “Don’t do dat”.
          The only true basic concepts from Psychology that seem to remain are “the subconscious” and “Defense Mechanisms.” It’s sometimes comforting to lie to oneself and too much reality is painful. Fantasies are not real but useful. Movie immersion is not real but pleasurable. Dreams are not real either. So aside from true love, I suppose most of pleasure is a reaction to un-reality. Um, yeah, falsity is a Grand thing, a true fiction of pleasure; now what’s needed is for the faux Prince to kiss the faux Princess and wake up the real Princess into some alternate Universe where minor heroes live in ease with exquisite minor talents to share in a casual cushioned fall. Tall order.

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  2. I always like hearing from you too. Psychology does just bring an awareness of painful things. They wanna dredge up past issues and try to work through them but basically all they’re doing is poking them with a stick and making them hurt again.
    Maybe i just need to get better at fantasizing. Maybe if I dream and wish enough then one day price charming will magically appear and life will be happily ever after.
    Oh, i meant to ask you, how did you do with your 2nd dose of the shot? Was it worse than the first dose? I’ve heard some people had worse reactions to the second one.

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    1. I think I might have started a reaction to the second shot yesterday. I had a sore throat and I was very tired. Today I had a fever of 99.1. That’s high for me because I think my usual temperature is about 97.2. It’s a tricky business though because sometimes I feel hot and then realize it’s because it is hot in the room. But the weather turned cold and they didn’t send up a lot of heat. So when I felt hot, at first I thought ‘oh they probably just sent up too much heat or something.’ But I checked the room temperature and it was around 62 at which point I usually feel a little chilly if I haven’t moved around much. So I checked my body temperature and it was 99.1. It could be a coincidence that I have a cold or something. But in any case, this is milder than the first reaction: no sinus or muscle pain. It’s not very scientific because I didn’t do a chart or anything but the one time I checked the temperature the first time it was 99.9. Funny thing, when I was a kid we used a mercury thermometer that we had to shake down before beginning. We always shook it down to 98.6 because we heard that was supposed to be the normal temperature. If the mercury went up beyond that then it was a fever. The mercury never went down on its own (you had to shake it down). Actually, when I think about it now, the shaking and whipping motion to push down the mercury was very dramatic like a dance. Hmm, if there were any stage plays where a character used the whipping motion with the hand to indicate the need for temperature taking, it wouldn’t mean anything to a modern audience. Pulling out a digital thermometer wouldn’t be as dramatic unless it was a foot long. … Oh I just remembered something: when I went for my first shot they recorded my temperature before getting it as something like 96.7

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      1. I’m glad you did ok with the second dose. Only 62 degrees in your apartment? I’d be feeling super cold!
        I barely remember the old mercury thermometers and the shaking them down. I wouldn’t even remember why we shook them if you hadn’t said why. Odd how things change over time. Now all the thermometers are digital. The ones I have just scan the forehead or can be stuck in the ear canal.

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