Add Meat to Lasagna for Meaning and Substance
When enhancing your culinary skills, do be sure to include a variety of meats. Here it is suggested that you obtain 4 Fruit Bats from the Seychelles Islands (Pteropus Seychellensis). Consult with a 5-star professional chef with masters degrees in Seychelles History, French and Italian cooking, and one with a full liability insurance policy for accidental poisoning (similar to the policy for Fugu chefs).
Prepare a marinated fruit bat curry. There are many fine recipes such as this, but N.B. (note well), none of the authors of these recipes endorses or approves of these off-use prescription recipe alternatives. Be extra sure that you remove all the skin. Cut around the neck first, then the back and pull in the direction of the hind legs. Remove legs carefully according to Gray’s anatomy or similar book, and finish. Remove the sebaceous glands in the skin of the shoulders. The head and wings need to be removed as well as all the internal organs. All other glands that make for a bitter taste should be taken out. Consult with the chef for this, and ignore his screaming ( it’s good practice for a TV show). Be sure to wash very well to remove small bones. See that the chef gives you a certificate of completion before continuing to cook the curry. Make the marinade and wait a long time to avoid fainting. Once the bat curry is finished, set aside, but be sure to write in your notebook that the teaspoon of turmeric needs to be balanced by adjustments in the usual tomato sauce recipe for the lasagna. Some lime juice and cumin will do. Adjust to taste.
After the bat has marinated for two hours in the refrigerator, turn on the oven according to the manufacturer’s directions and set at 375 degrees F (190 C). Check that you have a recently inspected fire extinguisher.
Boil water but don’t have a cow or baby as in the movies. Boil the lasagna noodles as directed on the package. Drain and rinse with cold water.
In a baking dish spread sufficient tomato sauce to cover. Distribute a layer of noodles. Crumble some Danish blue cheese over the noodles with a dash of lime juice. Carefully pour a third of the bat curry, and sprinkle with Parmesan and mozzarella cheese. Make a another layer of noodles and continue with tomato sauce, Parmesan, and mozzarella cheese. Continue layering until full.
Cover with foil but don’t let it touch the food. Cook 25 minutes, remove foil, and cook another 25 minutes or less if the fire alarm goes off, or if there’s knocking at the door.
As in all high protein dishes it is high in arginine. Or you can chew on some cashew nuts while you’re waiting, but don’t go for a walk because you might forget you have something in the oven, or you might get attacked by some crows or bats while near trees or caves.
Let cool and settle. Exhale.
While you’re waiting or searching for a fork, it is a good time to read some poetry. Some wine might help, but remember to use a pot holder for all later maneuvers. If you’re clumsy, don’t have wine, or have someone else serve. Caution: may be hazardous to dogs. Waiting for food to cool can be boring, so find some reading materials. Here is a suggestion, but before starting, make sure your dog is supervised and can’t reach the food.
Reading Materials On Which to Marinate Or Ruminate Thoughts
Funding Manslaughter for Science1
by Douglas Gilbert
In the spirit of global comraderie,
the People’s Institute of Virology
is thanking you now in retrospect,
kudos for your Dr. Faust for funding us.
dealt a woo hand, the Institute
needed funding for naive research
we cited for comity and gains
Yes, we chortled and urged:
Give us your poor tired
huddled money for our
We’ve got the bats and
you’ve got your Dr. Faust
Ah so beautiful the many stars
in the constellation of SARS
But the best of all in uniqueness
has a divine Spike protein, and
it shines brightly in the heavens
with a glorious furin-cleavage site
Spike the ball as they say
because you insouciantly
gave us a win; hegemonic
chaos, pandemic, and sin
for Yuēhàn Doe Pandora
The Confucians said
about chimeras that
the bat jester was
in charge of an
but it is as serious as
opening the gates of a zoo,
so the Director can take
money for hunters
to sample the bats
both ZC45 and ZXC21*
And it is said by Faust,
is always a risk worth taking.
What a novel thing that
our propaganda wins
And the stars of SARS
shine brightly beautiful
for the glory of the party.
We infer a Confucius quote:
Learn first and give birth later to
the tyrant of the under-temple,
His Highness X Yuēhàn
make war; trust and just
leave bellicosity to us
Thanks Mr. Lefty Doe, history densely given
the decadent ones of the West, for
your hooligans praise us, and
we love them as much as
our ruffian farmers
in a fond Orwellian sense
make war; trust and just
leave bellicosity to us
Learn for peace that we are the Dominant Power now.
We are the wise humans of the Global Community
and you are the Neanderthals of Westerns with test tubes.
1 Douglas Gilbert, Faustti Poems and Jousts (New York: ISBN 978-1-387-90990-2 ), 2022, [Amazon: Faustti-Poems-Jousts-Douglas-Gilbert/dp/1387909908], pp. 13-15.